Expectare (To Wait)

Well, happy Chocolate-Goes-On-Sale Day y'all. 

It's another Valentine-less year for a lot of us, myself included, so we rush to the grocery stores on this day to snag a deal on heart-shaped goodies the vendors are desperate to dispose of. We drown yesterday's loneliness in discounted truffles and other sugary treats, wrapped in pink and red. I've done this year after year, bitterly biting down on whatever cutesy baked good I decided to "treat myself" to, not-so-secretly hoping that maybe someday I'd find someone who'd want to split these sweets with me during the entire Hallmark-sponsored holiday season of Saint Valentine. But there has to be a healthier escape from this cycle of sugar crashes and sentiments gone sour besides finding a "someday someone"... right?

My current single status has a fuzzy starting point, depending on your definition of the label. My last official relationship ended in late January 2019, but my coping strategies in dealing with that heartache were... less than ideal. I ran right back to dating apps, sinfully seeking attention and validation from boys who could never heal my heart. Even when I cut out that temptation in late April, my hurt-fueled lust sought out whoever she could get her grubby little hands on, digitally or physically, for another month. It is by the grace of God that I escaped that season with my physical virginity intact, though the mental damage was done. 

In an attempt to redirect my focus to a more biblical perspective, that summer I started intentionally memorizing a familiar passage from 1 Corinthians: chapter thirteen, verses four to eight. To refresh your memory, the NIV puts it like this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

 One thing that's always stuck out to me about this passage is that patience is the first attribute describing the concept of love. It's not flowers or chocolates or hand-holding or even the sentiment behind "text me when you get home safe." And for the longest time I've joked that patience is written first on this list because the Holy Spirit knew us singles were going to run to this passage every time we started wondering about relationships in a romantic context. And the waiting is hard sometimes, so it's an important reminder for us. But long-suffering, as translations like the NKJV put it, definitely feels like an accurate depiction of this waiting.

One of my favorite authors, Todd LaBerge, depicts the impatient moments of singleness in a few passages in his book Unwritten Letters to You. He captures the aching longing for a future yet uncertain with lines like:

 "You feel it most when it all goes silent; the small groan of a lonely heart. And it whispers to you, reminding you that you miss the heartbeat of someone you have not met"  

and 

"as you think, the clock slowly turns to 12:30am, and you are just tired of of trying, and you just want it to happen."

But both quoted passages also speak of living in "the depths of present reality" and a future comfort when "your sadness will be replaced with an overwhelming gratitude that you are loved" to patiently wait for, one that outweighs the current fear of missing out. 

I'm still learning to be patient, and some days are tougher than others. But since Christ is indeed all I truly need to get through the day, relying on Him, the friends He's given me, and His unfailing promises (and the little hints He's shown me of His plan for my life) tends to pull me through even Single's Awareness Day in the midst of all the chaos of 2021. 

Will I still "shoot my shot" with the occasional guy of interest? Sure, if he seems like a godly guy. Will I be disappointed if things don't immediately go my way? That's the part Jesus is still working on in me, but we're getting there, one day at a time.